I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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