Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
