He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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