a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
