Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
