She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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