I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
