drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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