i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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