So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
