I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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