so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
