I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
