my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
