Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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