Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
