My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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