fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
