You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
