I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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