So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
