My balls are so social today.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
