I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
