Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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