i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
