Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
