when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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