Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
