this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
