He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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