where am i from again
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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