I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
