I'm going to rape someone's good day.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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