I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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