She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
