what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
