It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
