just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
my poor anus
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
