i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
