But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
