Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
