That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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