two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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