Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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