You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
