it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
