I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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