Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
