The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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