I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
