Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
