I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
