I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
