He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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